Is it ok that I still remember you in such vivid color?
Because I do. You know I do, it must have been obvious and you have it in writing, anyhow. Life doesn’t stop, not at all, but it’s always there in the back of my mind. It’s always been there, growing like a seed, or a cancer, however you want to look at it.
I don’t know what the fuck I’m after anymore. I’m pretty sure it’s something you can’t give me though. I took random things as reinforcement of what I wanted more than anything from you and I’m still not sure if there was ever any light or if i imagined it in the dark, I’m still not sure what exactly I cannot let go of.
I can’t pretend it’s a beautiful selfless love, I love you dearly but I am so selfish, I want your face, i want your hands, i want your smile and your laugh and your whole, whole heart, i want to explain myself and all the things i’ve done that made no sense or made you mad, i need you to know and i need to see you when i tell you, i need to watch the joy or disgust or the realization spread across your face so I can finally close this case.
I’ve never been good with loose ends, it’s 12:30 a.m 4 years later. and I’m still talking to myself.
touched me, I
knew it would
hurt when he
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